It's been a rough many months at work and in general, and after that last encounter, my sex drive more-or-less went into hiding. With my recent vacation (posts about that on my other journal coming this weekend!), I had hoped it would reawaken, and boy howdy did it! There was much hotness that trip! But those are not tales for retelling.

Still, it was just not enough for me, and so I started going online after my return to find a new playmate or at least a good, hard fuck. As usual, I was lured in by the siren song of "hung black top seeks white bottom". He was pretty cute, nice hairy chest, and sounded like a nice guy.

I get to his place, and he just wants to get right to it. So we strip, I lay on the far side of the bed, and he kneels on the near side, and just starts feeding me his cock. It was a lovely specimen, let me tell you. 8", good size head, good thickness, but it got thinner as it got closer to his body. Great for sucking, nice and smooth, and very tasty. And his pubes: oh, lovely dark curls with just the right amount of musk. He also liked fucking my face, and really playing with my cock and balls at the same time. Very hot! Having someone work me over manually while I'm sucking them off is one my favorite activities. It took a little encouragement to get him to play sufficiently hard, but he was really good at it once he got there. And he also loved playing with my ass, getting me warmed up. He fucked me for quite a while, alternately with his cock and fingers, really getting into it. It was such a great sensation, feeling him stretch me out on the outstroke, and then plunge back in. It was a unique experience, going between the two sensations separately. He then straddled my face and had me suck on his balls while he shot all over me. He started applying some expert ministrations to my nipples while I played with his cock and jacked myself off to a *huge* orgasm (it hit the wall behind the bed!).

He didn't want me to stick around, though, much to my disappointment. In the little bit we talked, he said he was actually bi and mostly not into guys and that was why he didn't want to make out or anything. I wondered at first if he was just not fully acknowledging his attraction towards men, but he wasn't put off with playing with me even after he'd cum, so I think he's probably telling the truth. I dunno. He was definitely sane and sober, but apparently he was strictly about some occasional ass and cock, and I need more than that in a playmate.

Because, really, the making out before and cuddling after in a hot, sweaty, cum-soaked embrace are some of the best parts of sex to me, so I suspect this will be another one night stand. Ah well, it was still very much what I needed.

Since I'm still up, and typing takes less effort and time when I'm slightly buzzed, apparently (quality probably takes a hit, though; sorry), I'll blog about last month's encounter (as promised).

It started off fine, with a nice social evening at CC's (the bear bar), saying hello to my friends and flirting with a few people. Also as usual, I then headed down to The Cuff (the everything bar). Not long after I got there, I met Phil.

Phil was *very* happy to meet me. He was this really cute, *tiny* (like 5'2"), and incredibly skinny guy, and we started making out after a little conversation, gradually getting hotter and heavier. I figured what the hell, and suggested we go back to my place to continue. He *eagerly* agreed.

Now, I know for some people, picking someone up and going home with them is no big deal. Only once before had I ever actually gone home with someone I picked up at a bar, and never had they been the one to initiate contact. So for me, this was something of a big deal.

We hailed a cab back to my place, exchanged std info and phone numbers (something I insist on), and got down to business. He was *hot*. White, a small amount of dark hair covering his (tiny!) flat chest and belly. He was a good kisser too, actually, which is something I treasure. Made out for a bit and he got me out of my clothes. We just rolled around on my bed for quite a while, exploring each others' bodies. He loved me sucking his nice-looking cock, but he was having trouble getting hard. I, for once, wasn't. Something about these tiny little boys brings out the top in me, and was ready to try fucking him; he certainly wanted me to.

Except, he was, uh, not ready to be fucked. Yes. I considered suggesting a shower, but then he tried to get me to fuck him bareback (um, no), so I ceased having any interest in that.

Then, he started jacking me off furiously, and I came very quickly. He was good. And, somehow, he was magically hard, so I, as requested, started kissing him and licking his armpits, and tweaking his nipples as he jacked himself off to a huge orgasm.

Now, throughout this whole thing, he was very talkative. Mostly about how much he loved me. Which was weird. And he kept forgetting things we talked about. Which was also weird. So, I don't know if he was just more drunk than I thought, or if he was on something (his pupils seemed normal; I don't know what else to check for), but all throughout this (admittedly hot) experience, there was a distinct element of the surreal.

In all, it was a fun time for both of us, but I think that picking up a one-night stand at a bar is just another thing I'll file in the "very glad I did it, don't plan on doing it again" bin.

Yes, it's another first Saturday, so another late night post from me detailing events at Bear Night. (Actually, I still haven't blogged about last month's hilarity; need to get on that.)

Tonight was mostly good. I made a concerted effort to just be social, and was sort-of successful. First was Alex, an adorable boy in a polo shirt. Conversation was decent, but stilted. I need to work on having a bigger list of stock conversation topics. I've had rather good luck avoiding "What do you do?", which I've never liked, and replacing it with "Where do you live?". I worry sometimes that that might be taken as more of a come-on in a bar, but oh well. Anyway, he was really nice and we groped around a bit (!) (lovely smooth chest; but seriously -- don't wear an undershirt tucked into your pants at a gay bar, it'll just get in the way). Not someone with potential ( he was taken and a bottom), but I was deliberately not trying to go home with someone, and it was nice to meet someone.

Second was Ross, a short, built guy who turned out to be from LA. He's in town to go on a cruise. He works for a cruise ship company, and "has to" go all around the world on cruises twice a year. He hates it. *sigh* He was kind of... depressing, actually. And a smoker.

Third was Mark, a guy I'd met at the leather socials. I will definitely need to go again this month. We didn't talk much, but he was there with friends. I was glad to make contact again, though.

Last, and by far the weirdest, was someone who's name I don't know. I either didn't hear it or he didn't give it. I saw him when I got there, and he was playing pool. He was fuckin' *hot*. But he was, you know, playing pool, and with friends, including someone who I got the impression (from their touching and from overheard conversation) was his boyfriend. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me as much as I was him; it's harder to judge eye contact from across a dimly lit bar than I'd like. Still, I resolve to say hello before the night was over.

As it happened, that came just as he was leaving. I was trying to wait until he was alone, so I would not embarrass myself in front of multiple people, and because I hate interrupting a conversation. So we had about a 20 second conversation where I introduced myself, asked if he was leaving, said "Sorry I hadn't talked to you sooner", and then he asked me if I was leaving. *Stupidly*, I did not say "yes". He said I was a very attractive guy, and he would see me around, and started to walk out. I asked if he would like my card, and he said "not tonight".

What? That last line of his threw me. Was he really interested? Was he taken? Was the other stuff just him being nice? It was just *bizarre*.

Still, I'm taking it as a positive. I will say hello to him the next time I see him. I need to come up with a conversational gambit (so far, I've got "I'm sorry we got started off on the wrong foot earlier", but need somewhere to go from there). Also, I think I did better at talking to people, if I'm still not where I want to be. I guess I will have to get over my fears and just start blending in to a group of people talking; none of this "waiting until they're alone" business.

And it's a self-esteem boost. I feel, for no reason I can point to, better, and more confident that I will meet the guy for me.

So, yeah. A decent night overall.

So, um, the latest Utilikilts newsletter has, uh, rather a lot of extremely attractive men with kilts and no shirts. Just thought you might want to know.

That... was not as good as it should have been.

A friend invited me to a bondage and play party tonight. I had hoped to have a great time, but it just didn't turn out that way. I think a lot of that was just because I wasn't in the right headspace. Even before the party, today was a really weird day, and things were just not falling into place, so I was a little off-kilter that way. I wasn't feeling particularly horny, submissive, or masochistic either. And of course I was very nervous, worrying about how I looked, and would I want to find someone to play with, and if I did would someone be interested, and would I enjoy it if we did...

I met a lot of people, and one nice, slightly older bear did have fun playing with me, which was very appreciated. I wanted to enjoy it, and I tried hard to get into the groove, but given where I was at mentally, it was probably just too rough to start me off with (and it wasn't that rough).

I went to try to start up a scene with him later, maybe negotiate some things so we could both have fun, but he was occupied with someone else. Once that happened, I tried to switch to a more social mode, and stopped worrying about finding someone to play with, and this was a moderately successful move. It made me feel better at any rate.

So that was the good part. The bad parts were that I don't think I did as well at socializing as I have in the past; I think I earned a C- on "social banter" at best. There were two distinct social groups present, separated by age, and I fell squarely in the middle, not fitting in with either. There were several very attractive dom tops, none of whom were interested in me in the slightest.

And it was really, really weird seeing some peoples' reactions to being played with. It brought up a lot of old worries. Is this all just better being a fantasy for me? Probably not. I have to keep reminding myself that I have done some kinky things and they've been wonderful. I also have to keep reminding myself that these people have played together before, and have that history to work with. And given where my head was (and continues to be, tonight), I suppose I really can't trust these emotions.

So, I was thrilled to be invited, and I'm glad I went. I suppose not every attempt at something can be a success. I will keep trying.

This is Washington State Leather Pride Week. Not that you'd know if you weren't paying attention, but that's another post. but anyway, last weekend was Nuns of Steel III, as well as leather night at the Eagle, but I wasn't in the mood, so I skipped them both.

Crap! I just realized I missed the "Owners & Slaves Discussion Group" last night. I meant to go to that.

Tonight was the "Daddy’s Leather Tag Sale & Community Leather Social". Now, that sounds kinda cool but to me it kind of conjures up images of something organized and high-end, involving Leather Tags (like collars, maybe? I dunno). and maybe an auction. No. Reading the long description brings about a much more accurate portrayal: "a leather/kink rummage sale with the proceeds going to the Leather Archives & Museum". Once I read that I was way more interested in going, and I'm very glad I did. This will teach me for the n+1^th time to stop paying attention to event titles.

It was pretty good! I had fun even if I was very nervous and feeling more than a little out of my skin. There were some tables of random leather and metal toys, but nothing caught my eye. Tried on a few nice leather jackets (still keeping my eye out for a good everyday one), but they were either too big or too small. Pawed through all the other random kink uniforms and metal toys (cockrings, speculums and such; in addition to the used items, several vendors had tables of closeout merchandise), but nothing tickled my fancy.

Then I hit the last vendor's clothing rack. Oh boy. I expected to find the usual assortment of nice clothing for tiny, tiny people (size 19 jeans? really?), but there was also a surprising amount (read: any at all) of stuff in my size. I found a lovely leather shirt, long-sleeved and lined, and a nice mottled biking leather; it's a nice complement to my existing shirt, and will work well for Seattle winters. Then I started going through the pants. Found one pair that fit really well, but the waist button was kind of loose and flimsy, and I just didn't trust it. The other pair I found was nearly perfect! It has side-lacing on the legs, and a very serious hook and snap closure. Hot! They are missing 3/4 of the lacing, but it should be easy enough to replace that. They are also a hair too loose, but it seems like that will be fixed when I get the laces in. And for only $80 (!) how could I not try? The in-house leather shop also has a sale going on, so I picked up two Nasty Pig jocks; one cloth and one rubber. So, yeah, I now have a respectable start on a real leather wardrobe. Woo!

The highlight-slash-savior of the evening, though, was the guy behind the counter. I met him at the leather social a few weeks ago, and he remembered me when I said hi. He was just very friendly and helpful and supportive, and it was really just what I needed. I was not that horned up, and I think that affected my mood. Or possibly the reverse. But the social aspects of the evening were a little depressing. In particular, there was this one guy there with, if I figured everything out, his boy (early 20's, white, hot, thin, muscular, blond, lock and chain on his neck) and his boy's friend (early 20's, asian, hot, thin, shaved head, solid metal collar locked on his neck). And it just brought back all those "why couldn't I have that in *my* early 20's, dammit" feelings. But only briefly. I do wish I could feel more comfortable in a leather environment, but I definitely took care tonight to enjoy my greenness and try to not let it upset me. Anyway, as I said, John (the vendor) did a lot to make me feel better and it was deeply appreciated.

There's a lot more of the night I should document, both for my memory's sake as well as having it make sense to you readers, but it is quite past my bedtime and I am dead tired.

I loved, loved, loved the movie. And not just because of all the full-frontal nudity. There was a truly impressive amount of hot blue peen. You should go see it. If that's your thing.

Tonight has been quite the emotional roller coaster.

Having gotten through most of my obligations by noon, I had most of the day to myself: rather the unusual occurrence. I got some important tasks done, made some phone calls, and sat down to the next item on my agenda, which was to take a particular friend's LJ and start reading it from the beginning. He's had some leather experience, and I wanted to see what I could gain from his past tales, rather then having him retell them all in person.

And there was some good information to be had. But reading all about his wonderfully joyous experiences at various leather events, and all the well-known leather folks he became good friends with, and the other leather folks who mentored his exploration, and all the fun he had in the big city, all while being many years younger than I am... I got a bit jealous. It also brought back memories of another past friend, who lived in a different big city, and had similar support. Really, it was getting me very upset.

Fortunately, I started going through all the calming techniques I learned in therapy, the most important of which is to tell the truth, especially to yourself. So I started bringing all of the things I'd read back to reality, to stop exaggerating them in my head. And given the choices I had to make earlier in life, to make my sacrifices for my family, well, I wouldn't change those decisions, and there's just no way I could have made them and had those same opportunities for sexual exploration. I also had to remind myself that just because it is now a later start than I would have liked, that is only all the more reason to do things now.

This dovetailed nicely with the other line of thought occupying my subconscious: why am I looking specifically for a leather relationship in which to explore things? Could I do things with other people in other situations? Several people, both on LJ and IRL had posed essentially this question to me over the past month or so, and I've been trying to put together an answer.

And the first part of that answer is that the majority of the things that most turn me on really require a relationship, mostly since it is precisely because they are done over a long period of time, or require knowledge gained over time. So they are things that by their nature are not something I can just start doing with someone I meet at a leather event.

But the big, emotional breakthrough I had tonight came when I realized (mostly from reading the LJ I mentioned) that there are a large number of things that I want to experience that don't require that. That I can do with someone I (relatively) just met.

I don't have words for how I feel now. I knew I was seriously ready for exploring my leather side, but now I'm much more in the mood to *learn*. To be receptive even to the little lessons from an encounter. To enjoy the ride.

And, now I'm seriously, seriously ready for a mentor. Even if it's not one person, even if there's not a full-on romantic relationship to go along with it.

Sadly, though I have found an *awesome* Pacific NW Leather Events Calendar, there does not appear to be a TNG-ish (<=~35 y/o) leather group anywhere near here. That's OK, though.

But, yeah, earlier today I was seriously down in the dumps, but now I want to bottle up this motivation I have and save it for when I need it.

A big hug and thank you to all who've helped.

I just got back from a night out at the Cuff, and I have need to put down my thoughts. I suspect this post is going to be rambly internal monologue, but there you go.

I had a good time, but not great. I am very proud of myself for actually going. There's definitely a mental hurdle, some anxietal inertia to overcome to go out by myself (apparently, "anxious" is an insufficient word tonight), and I'm glad I overcame it tonight. I wish I'd gotten there before 9 so I could have avoided the cover; I'd have felt better if I had.

Every time I go, I hope to run into some friend, someone to chat and hang out with. I did see Boris, as usual, and watched him have the time of his life bootblacking. Next month, I will wear my real boots, which could very much use some of his attention. He was quite friendly, actually, which was very nice. Sometimes I need to just relax, and be a little more touchy-feely. So often I err too far on the trying-not-to-be-creepy side.

But still, I see all these big groups of people, and I guess they know each other. If they are just meeting tonight, then I am that much further behind the knowing-how-to-socialize curve than I thought.

Also, on a related note, could I please stop being attracted to guys who turn out to be partnered and/or as big a bottom as I am? That would be great, thanks.

I very deliberately went out *not* trying to go home with anyone. I tend to decide what my goal is before I go out on Bear Saturdays, I think partly so I don't feel bad if I don't have any luck. But mostly I just wanted to be social. If I stay home, I know I'm not going to meet anyone new, for friendship or otherwise, so I guess it's good to go out. I need to learn some new techniques for striking up conversation, ideally in a way that makes it clear that I'm not necessarily coming on to someone. I wonder how that works.

Saw lots of nice guys. One particular guy was a leather dom there with his collared boy. He was flogging left, as it were, had a nice set of leathers, and was quite hung. Somehow though, I just wasn't that into him. Once again, I find I have to like someone's face to be really turned on by them.

Met one guy who was really into me, which was nice. He was a good kisser, and felt really nice, but it just wasn't happening. One other lovely beefy guy and I kept making eyes at each other, and then I found out that he was really into some stuff which I am very not into. Met another guy from Minneapolis, who I probably could have talked into going home with me, but like I said, I'd basically made up my mind that I wasn't going to have sex, and I just wasn't feeling it. Had a nice chat, though.

So, yeah, a good night. Glad I went. Need to keep going out, and need to work on ways of making my experience better.

Most of my toys arrived today.

The cockhead gag is in my mouth.

The 1.5 lb. weight is locked on my balls. They are wonderfully sore.

I am rock hard and dripping...

Holy hell, that was just what I needed.

Was doing my usual browsing of CL, not expecting to find anything, or do anything tonight, when I ran across a tall, athletic, hung, black top looking for a stocky white bottom to fuck. Can do! He actually replied to me even though his ad had been up for a while. His pic did not turn me on. Sure, he was a muscular guy with a shaved head, so I should have been all over it, but he had kind of a strange face, and the face is by far the thing I'm attracted to the most. Still, I decided that maybe the picture just didn't do him justice (it didn't, as it turned out) and went for it: I called him up and arranged to go right over.

Finally found a parking space, had him meet me at the door, and went into his (very nice) apartment. After some brief making out in the hallway, and enjoying his lovely body and tented sweatpants, we went right to the bedroom and got naked. Made out and cuddled for quite a while, working our hands over each others' bodies, and then I got to start playing with his lovely, thick 8" cock. Went down on him for a bit, getting him worked up, and he rubbered up to fuck me.

Oh, it was wonderful. He wasn't much of a kisser, but, oh, could he fuck. It was so, so nice having his body on top of me, thrusting against me, his crotch pounding against my ass. It wasn't too long before he came (it had been quite a while for both of us), but after some more cuddling, touching, and sucking, we were both quite ready for round 2, which, since he'd cum once, went on for quite a while, and through many positions. After a total of nearly 3 hours, my butt was quite finished. We eached jerked ourselves off, putting an explosive end to the evening.

My ass is sore in the best way.

My quest for a hard fuck has been unfruitful. Sure, I've had a little very hot sex, but not the pounding my ass desires. This is largely due to the fact that one night stands have become much less appealing to me than they were a year ago, mostly because I think I have an increased fear of catching some incurable STD, and I'd feel better about having some sort of regular partner. I wonder if that is my brain fooling itself or if multiple encounters with the same person are actually safer than with a series of different partners. Either way, one of my goals this year is to find a friendly leather dom to have fun with.

There are also some amusing stories about meeting some new friends. But that will have to wait for another day.

No, this post is about my new toys. Due to some quirks of our payroll system and the timing of our raises, I typically get some surprise cash at the end of the year. My rules for surprise money are that half goes into savings and the other half gets spent on something frivolous. Aside from the Roomba, I was having trouble figuring out what to get. Then Mr. S. announced a 15% off sale. So here's my latest set of toy purchases:

• Latex Jock w/Double Pouch; can't wait to spend a day at work with my cock and balls all lubed up and encased in latex...
• Bull Balls, in several weights. These look really fun.
• Stainless Steel Ball Weight, 1.5 pounds. They don't sell the ball crusher attachment anymore, but other suppliers do. Plus the thought of a nice heavy ball weight locked on all day is really, really hot.
• Silicone Cockhead Gag. This will be more fun when I find someone to play with, but it'll still be hot by myself. The cock gag is slightly smaller than I'd like, but all the other ones I've found that are larger aren't as realistic a shape.
• Cock Sucking Muzzle! Another one that really needs a partner, but I've been lusting after it for a long time. Tried it on in 2007 at Folsom to make sure it fit my head. Can't wait to try it out for real.
• Ink Storm. Sure, the guy on the cover is super hot, as is the thought of watching someone's dick get tattooed, but it was the review that really made me get this. Kissing, real passion, and hot, hard fucking are all things I definitely want in porn.

Reports as they get broken in... ;-)

A long time ago, I acquired some great advice that I've passed on to others, and now have reason to take myself.

"To get over someone old, get under someone new."

I am quite overdue for a serious, pounding fuck. We will see how well that works out.

After an hour or so at Amsterdam, we wandered around the place a bit,and just as we were leaving, the drag performer announced that some Broke Straight Boys were going to have a booty-shaking contest. Well! How could we miss that? So we grabbed some seats at the bar to watch the show. I'd seen their banner when I walked in, but didn't realize they were having an event. There were two "straight" boys in the competition: both in their early 20s (if that), one skinny as a rail and the other a very cute if slightly tipsy muscular blond boy. Sadly the skinny one was just entirely unprepared; he just had no ass and his boxers did nothing to help, so the other boy was the clear crowd favorite. After they got down from the stage, I noticed that the winner was standing right next to me, still shirtless, and he seemed friendly enough, so we started talking and somehow I got to fondling his chest! So that was quite hot. On the way out, they were giving out goodie packs, which included a tape measure as well as a full-length Broke Straight Boys DVD. I've been in Phoenix for all of 3 hours, and got my hands on a hot man and bonus porn! Best intro to a city ever.

After dinner with everyone on Friday, I was taken to Dick's cabaret: a gay strip club. Oh, my. I had never been to any sort of strip club before, and didn't consciously even realize that gay ones existed. We don't have any male strip clubs in Seattle, but I have since been informed that Portland, OR has several. ANYWAY, Dick's was quite an experience. It was rather smaller than I'd envisioned: a small bar off to the left, a doorway back to the dressing rooms, a small mirrored stage with three poles and a chain grip, and about three rows of seating around the stage. Because of the local laws, they can't serve alcohol, but they did have a good selection of soft drinks, including caffeine-free stuff, which worked for me.

There were a wide variety of dancers, from the effeminate asian boy, to the smooth, broad-shouldered muscle jock, to the tall scruffy blond uncut boy, to the extremely tall and skinny guy with glasses who was nicely hairy all over. Sadly no darker-skinned dancers, though. It turned out that it was the first night out for the last guy I mentioned; he was a bit shy and awkward, but we tried our best to be encouraging. Some of the dancers clearly had some style, and some seemed a bit more awkward, or at least dealing with a limited repertoire. The jock I talked about loved spinning himself around on the chain, and he was clearly very strong to be able to move around like he did, but there was no grace or smoothness. Is it weird that that's the sort of thing I notice? Anyway, he was still pretty hot. :) They almost all were very, very attractive.

Now, I support things like legalization of prostitution; I'm all about the state not deciding what can go on between consenting adults. But for as much fun as I had there, there was still an edge of deep weirdness in paying people for their company. I suspect that I will not be running out to another strip club anytime soon, but I am glad they they exist. Hot guys being naked right in front of me and rubbing up against me == win.

At some point during the evening, one of the dancers came up behind me and Michael and started talking with us. He was very friendly, and was trying to entice us into buying a wristband for a private nude dance "in the VIP room". It was then that I noticed which dancer it was: I rubbed his chin fur and said, "Oh, you're the cute uncut dancer from before!". I said I'd think about it, and let him wander off. Now, seriously, I thought he was the best looking dancer there; *very* much to my liking. Muscular, but with a bit of padding. Nice underwear, and, as I'd already mentioned, uncut. So I did start very seriously consider having a private dance with him. I even went over to the bar to inquire about exactly how much that cost... but I never did find out. It turns out Matt (Michael's boyfriend) had slipped away and bought one for me!

We went over to the "private VIP room", which turned out to be just a nook off the main room, but there were comfortable leather love seats there. Since we'd missed the beginning of a song, he sat down next to me, dressed only in his boxer briefs. We actually talked quite a bit, partly about what was and wasn't allowed in terms of touching (I'd never been to a strip club, remember?)(sadly, kissing was not allowed), but mostly about video games after I admitted to being a big geek for a living. He also asked about my kilt and what I might be wearing under it. His "name" was Sin, and he was of Irish descent, and he was a great friendly guy. At the start of the next song, he stripped off and got up to "dance". Really, he was just grinding his sweaty body against me to the music, but wow, was it hot. Rubbing my hands over his back, and his legs, and his chest, and holding his head next to mine. He smelled wonderful, too.

After the song was over, he asked if I wanted another. How could I refuse? This time around, though, he told me to grab his cock! Excellent! We had to be a bit discreet about it, being very much against the rules, but, oh, how nice it felt. He was still dancing against me, so he was more or less fucking my hand. Hot! I did let go after a while and let him finish out the song. He put his underwear back on, I paid him for the second dance, and we talked for a short bit more.

Wow. I went to wash my hands, walked back over to the guys, no doubt with a huge grin on my face, and thanked Matt profusely. Of course, now I had the bracelet on, and it became a beacon under the pervasive blacklight, so suddenly I became much more popular with the dancers (attention: this guy has spent money! attention...), especially the muscle jock. Ordinarily, he would so be my type, but his face wasn't that cute, and he didn't have much of a personality. Another guy (short, compact, built) was just starting his shift, and he was really aggressively trying to get me to have a private dance with him. He was pretty clearly on something; I was actually surprised they let him work. I did eventually figure out that I could hide my hand in the crease of the chair and avoid some unwanted attention.

By now, we'd seen all of the dancers at least twice, so we moved to the back to let others (who were more interested in spending more money) have the front row. At some point during the evening, a coworker of Michael's joined us, and later on a friend of his started his shift to dance.

Wow again. His friend was this slightly older, slightly taller, slightly hairy, and a very built total hunk. Oh, and he was wearing a leather harness and cap. Yes. And he could move, let me tell you; his was some of the better dancing I saw that night. Michael's coworker bought a private dance with him, and I was certainly tempted. Would that I could take him and Sin home with me.

Speaking of Sin, nearer the end of the night he came over to me again, to see if I wanted another dance. I explained that we were heading out soon, so no thanks. Despite that, though, he still wanted to talk, and even started sitting on my lap. So I wrapped my arms around him and we did. I also thanked him for bending the rules earlier. And even after I explained I was done spending money, so I understood if he wanted to keep working, he still wanted to sit and talk! I know that it was his job, and I could be totally wrong, but I really think that he actually was a little interested. If only I lived in the area so I could follow up on that. :)

So, yeah, I had a great time at Dick's.

I should be updating my other journal, and I will work on that next, but I also need to share some good news.

Last weekend was the monthly Bear Beer Bust at CC's, the local bear bar, and it was the first night out locally that I've had since last year. Saw bconn for the first time in at least as long, and got good and caught up with him. He just bought a place over in Madison Valley; should drop in on him (and sinnabor and philbutrin, while I'm in the area) sometime soon.

While I was talking with him, I made eye contact with this very cute blond cub wearing what I can only describe as "firefighter waders" (which are way hotter than that phrase makes them sound). He wandered by and I reached out to fondle his chest. We talked a bit (he got his pants at The Cuff, apparently), and hugged a bit, and made out a bit. Sadly, he didn't seem interested in more, so I let him go. He was just adorable, though, and it made me feel good to be liked, if only for a bit.

As is the norm for the bear crowd on first Saturday, I then wandered over to The Cuff a few blocks away. The Cuff is a big bar, sort-of a leather bar, but with a very diverse crowd, which I like a lot. I've been having more fun at The Cuff lately, and have come to really prefer it to CC's, but I need to start there since some people don't go over and I want to be social when I go out.

That night, there was this lovely shirtless bootblack working; skinny, slightly hairy, some tattoos, nice spiky dark hair, with rubber bands forming his beard into a spike. I pulled up a chair at the bar to watch him. It was such a joy to see him work; it was clear he loved what he was doing. When he finished with his customer, I went over to tell him so, and to compliment him on his Diesel Sweeties sticker that he has on his case. We got to talking and he said:

   Yeah, I like wearing my It's fun to use learning for evil shirt at my day job.
   Oh, what do you do?
   I'm a program manager at Microsoft.

That was the best thing I'd heard all night.

Well, almost. The best thing was when I was nearly ready to think about leaving. There was this very hot light brown boy wearing a shirt that said "RECRUITER" in rainbow-colored text. I'd seen him earlier at CC's, and couldn't tell if he was interested or not. I decided to give it a go, so I went up, touched his shirt, and said "OK, give me your best pitch". He laughed, and we got to talking. And more talking. And kissing. And making out. Oh, he's lovely. Nice muscular arms, and a huge chest. He wasn't up for going home with me, but we exchanged numbers. Win! I called him yesterday, and he called me back today. We have a date Monday. EPIC WIN! His name is Paul. He seems really nice, and is a geek himself. He owns ferrets. He also seems kinda nervous/excited like I was, which is a really good sign. Once again, high hopes.

:)

Chris never called me. :( Le sad. I went to his new work place a few times, but he was never there. Perhaps he works different hours than he did at Safeway. It felt a little too stalker-ish to actually ask any managers when he works, so I guess I'm going to let him go for now. I would like to meet up with his, just to make sure he knows that his feelings were requited, and his approach was not in vain. I kinds got the feeling that he didn't think I liked him. Ah, well.

Trying to schedule a meetup with my hot biker friend out on the Peninsula has been very frustrating. He and I are free at exactly opposite times for a period of about 2 months. Hopefully we'll hook up again sometime in July. I want to show him around town all day, and then nurse on his hot uncut cock all night.

All of my other attempts at finding sex lately have been busts too. Was hoping to play with a friend I recently visited, but he has a b/f now. CL has proved fruitless too; the one guy I've been trying to hook up with downtown is apparently not interested, and this one other guy whose ads I keep seeing is someone I know to Avoid, but his keywords keep getting my attention. *sigh*

Very, very horny.

So there's this guy. His name is Chris. He's a checker at my local Safeway. He's cute. Not hot, but really cute. Blond, blue-eyed, medium height, wafer thin. He's quite obviously family. I've flirted with him a tiny bit over the years, and he's been friendly, but not overly so.

Hadn't seen him in a while, but when I stopped in tonight he was there, and he noticed me immediately. We were grinning at each other a lot, and as I walked past he came up to me and started talking. And being very smiley. Downright flirtatious, in fact. After exchanging a few words, I started my usual shopping, but I couldn't concentrate. I kept giggling to myself and being kinda surprised at his sudden interest and briefly daydreaming about what to do next. I tried several times to keep shopping, but my mind couldn't focus.

Should I? Shouldn't I? He's adorable, but aren't I looking for a big strapping leather dom? Yeah, it wouldn't work. But, wait, how do I know that? I'm jumping to unwarranted conclusions. He seems nice and he likes me. Yeah, I'll flirt back. But no, I'm not really over James yet. And that didn't work out. And he reminds me of James. So, no, it's a bad idea. But, wait: he isn't James. He's his own person. Just because they have the same mannerisms doesn't mean they'll behave the same. I should. Hmm. But what if it doesn't work out? I'll still be shopping here and he'll be working here. No, no, it's just a bad idea, for the same reason I wouldn't date someone at work. So, no, I won't.

Finally, a logical reason. I finally come to that conclusion and finish my shopping, largely putting it out of my mind. I still want to say hi and be friendly, though, so I make sure to get in his checkout lane. He says hi as soon as he sees me. When it's finally my turn, we talk. He says he's very, very happy. I ask why?

Tomorrow's his last day. He's quitting. He has a new job on Cap Hill.





And I'd left all my calling cards at home, dammit. I have to run back tomorrow morning to connect with him. So, a new bf may yet have just fallen into my life.

There are some kinks I like, and there are some I don't like. I suspect this is true of a lot of people.

However, some of the kinks I really, really don't like are very common. Like watersports. It just is not for me in any way, and it never will be. But it's in so much of the kinky porn out there, I can't help but run into it. When they produce "lighter" versions of movies, sure, they edit that out, but they also edit out a lot of the good stuff I want to see. It also (unsurprisingly, I suppose) shows up in a lot of rubber and latex fetish stuff, where I particularly have to tread carefully lest I be abruptly taken out of the mood.

Also: spanking. I've tried it, and don't like it. It does nothing or less than nothing for me. Flogging, on the other hand? Awesome. But good gay flogging porn without a spanking accompaniment? Rarer than hen's teeth.

Oh, then there's skinhead porn. Hot, butch, muscular, uncut german guys with shaved heads wrestling each other for sex? Yes, please! Wait, what's with the Crisco? And where's his hand going? *click*

This is supposed to be the future, dammit. I should be able to order porn off a checklist. And while we're at it, where's my flying car?

People who are very sensitive might want to skip this post. The practical upshot is that I've taken appropriate safe-sex precautions with people and I remain HIV-.


Both of those wonderful meetings I mentioned were tinged with sadness.

See, when Kevin and I were dating, I was still a virgin, so we held off on having sex. When finally I was ready, we found out that he was HIV+. I was too scared to have sex with someone who was, so we didn't. Further, I was really inexperienced in general, and just was not able to give him the support he deserved. Eventually, we broke up. It was very sad, all around.

The other bad news was that his husbear also tested positive not too long ago. It's still sad, all around. On the upside, they're both doing OK now, their numbers are good (both have undetectable viral loads) and they're on medication. Kevin's also on antidepressants, which are really helping him.

I had hoped to finally sleep with Kevin when I visited, but I was apprehensive about it: I'd never knowingly had sex with someone who was HIV+ before. Before I left, I re-looked up a lot of research on what was thought to be lower- or higher-risk, and basically reconfirmed that I'd be OK my previous safe-sex boundaries for people of unknown status: in short, anal sex only with condoms, oral sex with no ejaculation with no barrier.

I did go down on him, and felt good about it: with his meds he doesn't produce any precum, and he takes much longer to cum. We were fine: no body fluids (well, apart from saliva) were exchanged.

I felt mostly fine about it afterward, but my brain can't let things like this go. "Yes, it's low risk, but that's not no risk", it keeps telling me. So I did some more research and came up with a bunch of essentially contradictory information on how safe unprotected oral sex is.

Now, the other gentleman I talked about also turns out to be HIV+. Based on my new, confusing findings my original goal for that weekend had been to stick with making out and safe anal sex, and avoid oral sex entirely. But when we were talking about safe sex and his status and such, he said that he avoided anal sex, even with condoms, and that based on his research unprotected oral sex was safer than protected anal sex. We talked about it some more, and I eventually decided to alter my plan.

I felt good about it that weekend, but as I waited out the 6 weeks to be tested, my mind kept telling me to be more and more worried. In response, I tried to do more and more research about the safety of oral sex with regards to HIV, but it turns out there's not really a lot out there on the web. As for what is there, the more recent the study, the lower the risk that it reports. One example: there was one 2002 study on (heterosexual) serodiscordant couples that reported no seroconversions from oral sex in the people they studied.

But I still don't entirely trust my research: there's a good chance of confirmation bias, and I'd like to get real, non-web based information. In particular, I'm *not* looking for risk percentages (this post convinced me that that info would be useless for my needs), but the *relative* risks for unprotected oral sex versus protected anal sex. Got any ideas, people (doctors, researchers, experts) I could talk to?

That was the second hardest HIV test I ever had, but both the rapid and RNA tests came back negative. I would like to stay that way, but I can't give up sex 100% to do that. *sigh* I guess this is just more fuel for the fire to find some small group of regular sex partners. Maybe even polyfidelity. I still want to have some serious kink in my world, though, which is probably my next major relationship goal.

Speaking of kink...

When I was back east for Christmas, my very first boyfriend Kevin and I finally got to see each other for the first time in about 4 years. He's doing very well! We had a great time catching up with each other in person. And, most significantly, we finally got to consummate our relationship. With the proper precautions, we went ahead and had a few hours of making out and some very, very hot sex. I had forgotten just how *well* he and I worked together, on so many levels. It was a joy to be with him again.

Then in January, I got to have a hot date with another hottie that I'd met some time ago. He lives a few hours outside Seattle, but I'd been wanting to visit his town for some time. I let him know in December that I was coming out for the weekend, and would he like to spend some time together? He turned out to be as much into me as I was to him, so he offered to put me up for the weekend: how could I say no?

We had an extremely fun-filled weekend both indoors and out, including various hikes around the peninsula, a visit through the adorable downtown, and a wonderful brunch at the local military base (he's ex-navy). He's a *lovely* stocky medium-height guy, with a very nice white beard; he's a great conversationalist, a really nice and interesting guy, and he has a bit of a kinky dom streak.

He and I also worked well together: I spent a lot of my time with his wonderful uncut cock in my mouth, and loved every moment. On Sunday, we were laying down on his couch, him sitting with my head in his lap, just talking and flirting, him smoking his pipe. He took off my shirt, and started playing with my nipples, turning me on more and more. He became less and less gentle with them (we'd talked about what we each liked earlier), and became more dominant. He started puffing up his pipe and then using it on my nipples, a wonderful mix of pleasure and pain. Then he had me get on the floor while he went into his bedroom for a moment. He came back, sat down, and had me sit on the floor in front of him. He raised my arms, one at a time, and put some wrist restraints on them, and locked them behind my back. Back to the nipples, harder and softer and rougher again. There were some breaks in the action as we watched movies, but it went on for hours. After I was more on-edge than I ever was before, he ordered me to take my pants off and jack off, which I happily did. Wow! It was subtle scene, but extremely hot. I am more than little turned on recounting it here.